by Gordon Dioxide
Fourteen times! That's how many times I've told him. Fourteen times!
By the way, my name's Emily Jones. Hi! I'm writing this so that future generations will know all about the problems I'm having with my brother. I'm going to bury it in the garden and one day it will be found and they will be shocked to read about what a pest he is.
His name is Daniel. He's only seven, but I'm eleven and a half.
Anyway, as I was saying, fourteen times I've told him to knock before he comes into my bedroom. There's a big sign on the door that says "If your name is Daniel, knock!" But he just barges straight in.
He's such a numskull. He thinks that Queen are a better group than the Spice Girls. In case you don't know, the Spice Girls have sold more than 15 million records and been number 1 in 15 countries. They were voted the best group ever. I'd be surprised if Queen have sold a hundred records. Dad says that Queen are very popular, but I think he's just saying that to cheer Daniel up.
Last Tuesday he spilt blackcurrant all over my library book about the Romans. Mum just told me to stop hitting him. She always takes his side.
And he's always copying me. If I get my drawing book out, he gets his drawing book out. If I get my Spice Girls sticker book out, he gets his football sticker book out. If I want to buy a dinosaur key-ring from the Natural History Museum, he wants to buy a dinosaur key-ring from the Natural History Museum. If I want chocolate chip ice-cream, he wants chocolate chip ice-cream. If I want vanilla ice-cream, he wants vanilla ice-cream.
He's such a copy-cat. He can't think for himself.
And he's got no idea about fashion. He wears the same old blue jumper every day and his trainers only cost four pounds (they were actually 3-99 but I always forget about the penny because it's quicker). He walks around with his hands completely in his pockets, but I just put my thumbs in my pockets and leave the fingers sticking out because it's far more fashionable. And his hair is always sticking up in the mornings - I don't think he knows what a comb is!
Last Tuesday, about 25 minutes before he spilt the blackcurrant, he climbed up to the first branch of the apple tree. He called Mum and Dad out to see and they said "Well Done", but he was only on the first branch. A baby could climb higher than that. I would have probably climbed to the top branch, but I had my new shoes on which cost 10 pounds (9-99). They've got 2-inch platforms and red laces. Daniel's trainers have got velcro because he can't even do up laces.
Last Tuesday, about one hour and fifteen minutes after he spilt the blackcurrant, he was doing his homework sums. They were really simple. We get long multiplication and long division to do, but he was doing things like 3+3 and 5+2. He thought that nine plus three was 13. See what I mean? He's completely useless. I've always known that nine plus three equals 12.
I've got a CD player in my room now, so I can listen to my music in peace and quiet at last. It was made in China and Dad says this means it's good quality. If you shut your eyes you would think that the Spice Girls were actually in your room. Mum says she wouldn't want the Spice Girls in her room.
Daniel thinks he's so grown-up, but he's not. I'm allowed to walk up to the shop on my own to get some milk, and when I'm twelve I'll be able to cycle to Emma's house. That reminds me, Daniel's bike is so small and it's not even a mountain bike. He's put some Flapper Zappers in the spokes because he thinks it makes the bike go faster, but it doesn't.
And he's always getting me into trouble when I haven't done anything. Once I saw him licking some chocolate off one of Mum's new cakes, and when I told her she just told me off for telling tales. That's not fair is it?
Also, he hogs the computer for hours. When I need to do some important work with my Barbie game, he keeps playing Monster Bash over and over and over again.
Daniel's just so annoying. Life was much better before he came along. I wish I had an older sister instead of a younger brother, because Emma's got an older sister and she's really nice.
My favourite colour is dark yellow and my favourite shop is Bangles because it's got all sorts of priceless jewellery such as hair-bands, necklaces, and ear-rings. I was one of the first people in my class to have their ears pierced. Emma hasn't had hers pierced yet, but I still like her. She says she can't have them pierced because they are infected. I pretend to believe her, but really I think her Mum won't let her.
When I was young I thought I'd never be allowed to have my ears pierced until I was 18. It doesn't hurt, but I definitely wouldn't have other parts of my body pierced like the man I saw at the bus stop. He had 5 rings in his right ear, 3 in his left ear, one in the corner of his eye, and a big ring through his nose. I didn't stare because I didn't want to embarrass him.
Apart from my brother, my family includes other people such as me, my Mum and my Dad. My Mum complains a lot because she does all the work around here. My Dad is always watching football on TV. He says the government pay him to do it, but they don't.
We also have a ginger cat called Ginger. Well that's what I tell my friends. They have all got pets so I pretend we've got one too. When they come to visit our house I tell them that Ginger has gone to the vet's for a check-up. Dad says he hasn't got time to watch football AND look after a cat.
I have lots of friends as you would expect. My first best friend is Emma Thomas, my second best is Jessica Barnes, and my third best is Natalie Wilson. Julie Banks used to be my third, but now she is seventh because she broke the lid off my pencil case.
There is a boy in my class that I want to marry when I'm 22. I'm not going to tell you his name because it's a secret and only Emma knows. He spoke to me in September but I ignored him because I didn't want him to know that I love him.
If you are reading this in the future, you may wish to know about the sort of civilisation that I live in. Well, it is a very advanced one with many well-designed gadgets to make everyday living easier. For example, our televisions are now linked into the BBC by a cable, which means there are many more channels to choose from. These extra channels provide important information on earthquakes, shopping and sharks. Previous civilisations did not have this luxury.
We are doing a school project on the Romans. They were also a very advanced civilisation, but all their gadgets were lost underground when they became extinct. Their main interest was mosaic floors, which were very comfortable to walk on. They were also very advanced at making fine Roman pottery, which made it easier to store good wine.
You are probably wondering why I have stopped talking about my brother. Well, I have decided not to mention him again because of his bad attitude.
He's such a dork. Last Monday or Wednesday he wanted me to pretend to be an acorn growing into a big oak tree, because he'd learnt how to do it at Drama. But I refused because Geri from the Spice Girls says that Girl Power is all about doing the things in life that you want to do.
Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed reading all about my life, and I'm sorry about my brother.
To make sure you have been reading carefully, I have invented some questions for you:
1. Is my brother a) kind and generous b) intelligent c) a complete dork
2. What is our cat called, even though we haven't got one?
3. How old will I be on my wedding day?
4. What is the capital of France?
(The answer is F. This was a joke question to help keep your spirits up, and to show you that I have a good sense of humour)
5. What important information can I learn about on our new TV channels?
6. How much did Daniel's trainers cost?
7. What is my favourite colour?
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If you didn't enjoy it, please ask your enemies.