ALL ABOUT AMERICA AND AMERICANS
by Gordon Dioxide
America was the largest country in North America, and still is. It's incredibly big, with a population of about one million people and pets.
The capital city is New York, which has exactly two million people and pets.
The American people are called the inhabitants, and their pets are called dogs, cats and other things.
So this is the story of America.
America was discovered by accident in the year 1452.
He was trying to sail from Oxford to Paris, but his wife, Mrs Accident, was navigating, and they landed in San Francisco seven weeks later.
They liked the vibe of the place so decided to stay.
Their first child, Chuck H Accident Junior, was the first European to be born in America, and their second child was the second.
So all Americans alive today have descended from Mr Accident, his wife Ann, Chuck H Junior and the other one.
The most famous American of all-time was Peter, a baker from Chicago. He invented a way to make bread without using any ingredients, and became so famous that the inhabitants could think of nothing else. Sadly, however, he died of starvation and not even his own children could remember him.
The national dish of America is Halibut Nogg, a fish custard eaten by all inhabitants before breakfast. Other popular foods are squid, artificial rhubarb, parsley and meat. There are no drinks.
America has a cousin called Canada, which is both the sister of Alaska and the brother of Norway. Another cousin is called Mexico and another one isn't.
It is said that there are more cars in America than there are planets in the solar system. Inhabitants are allowed to drive inside supermarkets and churches, but speed limits are imposed at busy times.
The fastest squirrel was Bissy, who ran 100 metres in 8.2 seconds in Ohio in 1961. The slowest squirrel was Sir John Gendelton, who ran one metre in one hour in Ohio in 1962. Squirrel racing has since been banned in all states, except Ohio.
The American alphabet has just 24 letters. They don't use F or G, so have to revert to the English alphabet when pronouncing words like giraffe or goffee. In case you don't know, goffee is a coffee-flavoured toffee that's been popular in Texas since the nationwide ban on liquid drinks.
American shops are open seven days a week, except Sundays. They sell clothing, kitchen equipment, garden swing chairs, guitar bags, guitar strings, guitar accessories, Halibut Nogg and guitars. They don't sell orange-coloured or orange-flavoured products, or any item that can be broken by an angry child.
American air is made up of nitrogen, oxygen, birds and flies. The land is quite solid, but the rivers are much softer.
American clothing is designed to stay dry in good weather, but does have a tendency to get wet during rain. Some inhabitants try to get around this by pre-soaking their unmentionable under-garments in a strong solution of Halibut Nogg, but it never works.
According to the Guinness Book of Records, the youngest person in America is Dwightsy Benk, a zero-year old baby from Detroit, but this record was broken soon after printing. The smallest person in America has not yet been found, but scientists predict it will also be a young baby.
Laughing in public is legal in most states, but sad faces are frowned upon.
Toothpaste is now made with mint, milk, eggs and sugar, and has been renamed ice cream.
Most American schools were built without any doors, but this practical joke backfired when they realised that new children couldn't get in and old children couldn't get out.
Every evening, American families gather around a large cactus bush and sing Japanese love songs to each other. The last one still awake has to sleep in the bush.
Christmas is special, a time of year when everybody replaces their shoe laces with spaghetti. However, the fun can come to a sudden end if the spaghetti is overcooked and not strong enough to prevent the shoes from falling off. When this happens, the person is banned from making any unkind comments to animals until January 12th.
American firemen are the best in the world at putting out fires, but this can get really annoying at barbecues.
Many Americans pretend to forget their own birthdays, in order to get a nice surprise when they wake up one morning and receive lots of unexpected presents.
There are thought to be at least 25 states in America, with some estimates putting the figure as high as 40. Albert Einstein calculated that there were exactly 246, but this has since been disproved, along with his famous theory that blue squirrels are invisible because they run faster than the speed of light.
Cars drive on the right side of the road, while buses and trucks drive on the left. They switch over on weekends, national holidays and after 4pm on cold days in April and foggy days in October. This simple system ensures that everybody gets a fair chance to drive on both sides.
Everybody has two friends, a good friend and a bad friend, making four friends altogether, or five if you include yourself. The bad friend is useful when you need someone to criticise or insult you. The good friend will always say you are brilliant, even when you can't find your left ear.
The most powerful man in America is actually a woman. Her name is Betty and she controls what people think by sending out telepathic signals through internet wi-fi networks. The only way to resist is to take a fatal dose of warm avocado thrice daily.
There are three types of music in America: rock music, classical music and tuffington, which is a military rap performed by marching ballerinas. In March and April all three musics are combined to create the Easter Cacophony.
America's greatest explorer was Chintzy Adams, who literally got very cold when discovering the Arctic ice motel in the winter of 1894.
Everything came to a standstill in July 1974, when amateur golfers across the country went on strike. For ten long weeks they refused to play even a single hole, as President Cakes ignored their demands for pay. Eventually the army was brought in to calm the situation and provide a replacement service.
The most popular sport is Big Chessel Beating, in which contestants jump seven times in a northerly direction, then hop twice to the east and pirouette four times to the south. The winner is the first to arrive back at base square while shouting "I've won, I've won, I've won".
Most Americans have six fingers and six toes; that's three on each hand and foot. They lost the other two fingers, two thumbs and four toes in a nationwide Man versus Crocodile speed-typing contest just after the last war and an unknown period of time before the next war. The winner was John Smithamptonshirecy from New Floridy, who retained all twenty fingers and toes, but little else.
Babies are taught map-reading skills before they can even walk. This means that, if they get separated from their designated care provider, they can crawl home on their own.
The American national joke is the one about the incredible talking pig who refused to take a job at the circus because he was a fully-qualified accountant. The joke is recited after official dinners, during Super Bowl quiet moments and before every president's homecoming prom speech since Cakes Senior.
This is NOT the end. In fact, it's not even the beginning.