ALL ABOUT AMERICA AND AMERICANS
by Gordon Dioxide
America was the largest country in North America, and still is, apart from Canada, which is huge.
The capital city is probably New York, which holds exactly two million people.
The American people are called the Americans, and their pets are called dogs, cats and other things.
So this is the story of America.
America was discovered by accident in the year 1452.
He was trying to sail from Oxford to Paris, but his wife, Mrs Accident, was navigating, and they landed in San Francisco seven months later.
They liked the vibe of the place so decided to stay.
Their first child, Chuck H Accident Junior, was the first European to be born in America, and their second child was the second.
So all Americans alive today have descended from Mr Accident, his wife Ann, Chuck H Junior and the other one.
The most famous American of all-time was Peter, a baker from Chicago. He invented a way to make bread without using any ingredients, and became so famous that the Americans could think of nothing else. Sadly, however, he died of starvation and not even his own children could remember him.
The national dish is Halibut Nogg, a fish custard eaten by all Americans before breakfast. Other popular foods are green squid, green octopus and meat. There are no drinks.
It is said that there are more cars in America than there are planets in the solar system. Americans are allowed to drive inside supermarkets and churches, but speed limits are imposed at busy times.
The fastest squirrel was Bissy, who ran 100 metres in 8.2 seconds in Ohio in 1961. The slowest squirrel was Sir John Gendelton, who ran one metre in one hour in Ohio in 1962. Squirrel racing has since been banned in all states, except Ohio.
The American alphabet has just 24 letters. For some reason they don't use F or G, so have to revert to the European alphabet when pronouncing words like giraffe or goffee. In case you don't know, goffee is a coffee-flavoured toffee that's been popular in Texas since the nationwide ban on liquid drinks.
American shops are open seven days a week, except Sundays. They sell everything you need, except orange-coloured products, orange-flavoured products and any item that can be broken by an angry child.
Similar to its European counterpart, fresh American air is composed mainly of nitrogen, oxygen, birds and flies.
American clothing is designed to stay dry in good weather, but does have a tendency to get wet during rain. Some Americans try to get around this by pre-soaking their unmentionable under-garments in a strong solution of Halibut Nogg, but it never works.
According to the Guinness Book of Records, the youngest person in America is Dwightsy Benk, a zero-year old baby from Detroit, but this record was broken soon after going to print. The smallest person in America has not yet been found, but scientists predict that it will also be a young baby.
Most American schools were built without any doors, but this practical joke backfired when they realised that new children couldn't get in and old children couldn't get out.
Every evening, American families gather around a large cactus bush and sing Japanese love songs to each other.
Many Americans deliberately forget their own birthdays, in order to get a nice surprise when they wake up one morning and receive lots of unexpected presents.
There are thought to be at least 25 states in America, with some estimates putting the figure as high as 40. Albert Einstein calculated that there were exactly 246, but this has since been disproved, along with his famous theory that blue squirrels are invisible because they run faster than blue light.
Cars drive on the right side of the road, while buses and trucks drive on the left. They switch over on weekends, national holidays and after 4pm on cold days in April and foggy days in October. This simple system ensures that everybody gets a fair chance to drive on both sides.
Everybody has two friends, a good friend and a bad friend, making four friends altogether, or five if you include yourself. The bad friend is useful for criticism and insults, while the good friend will support you even during your evil moods.
The most powerful man in America is actually a woman. Her name is Betty, and she uses internet wi-fi signals to control people's thoughts. The only way to resist is to take a fatal dose of warm avocado thrice daily.
There are three types of music in America: rock music, classical music and tuffington, which is a military rap performed by marching ballerinas. In March and April all three musics are combined to create the Easter Cacophony.
America's greatest explorer was Chintzy Adams, who literally got very cold when discovering the Arctic ice motel in the winter of 1894.
Everything came to a standstill in July 1974, when amateur golfers across the country went on strike. For ten long weeks they refused to play even a single hole, as President Cakes ignored their demands for pay. Eventually the army was brought in to calm the situation and provide a replacement service.
The most popular sport is Big Chessel Beating, in which contestants jump seven times in a northerly direction, then hop twice to the east and pirouette four times to the south. The winner is the first to arrive back at base square while shouting "I've won! I'm the best! I'm a hero!"
Babies are taught map-reading skills before they can even walk. This means that, if they get lost, they can crawl back home on their own.
Most Americans have six fingers and six toes; that's three on each hand and foot. They lost the other two fingers, two thumbs and four toes in a nationwide Man versus Crocodile speed-typing contest. The winner was Timothy Einstein from West Dakota, who retained all twenty fingers and toes, but little else.
Any of the above facts can be included in your school project on America.
There's no need to pay me.
And always remember that thing people keep saying: "Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Always look for trusted sources like the BBC, the Wall Street Journal and Gordon Dioxide".